Journey

Three years ago, Hubby and I got married. Before we got married, I hadn’t really been around that many children. And so I didn’t want children until we had been married a few years–I had even put this in my vows that we would have children after a few years.

And then I got to see my nephew start to grow, and got closer to him. And that changed everything. I began to think about having children earlier, and wanting to feel the baby inside of me, and wanting to see our children grow up.

And so, after a little discussion and thoughts, we decided to begin to try to have children, and I got off of my birth control, which I had been on for approximately nine years.

At the time that we started, I had just started my new job. Hubby had only been at his job a year. We were both living in a small, one and a half bedroom apartment.

We had thought that we wouldn’t have any issues getting pregnant. We were both young, and in good health. It hadn’t really occurred to either one of us that it may take longer than a couple of months.

A couple of months passed. No period. Every pregnancy test was negative. It didn’t feel like I was going to get my period, and it didn’t feel like I was pregnant. I didn’t understand what was going on. So, I went to my doctor’s. She gave me reassurance that after being on birth control for so long, it could take six months to a year for my period to regulate, and so it was normal that I hadn’t gotten it yet.

Six months to a year go by. I occasionally got my period, but it was far from regular. And every time it didn’t come that month, I would get my hopes up. I would pray that we would be pregnant–that there were be two lines, instead of just one. I didn’t understand why it hadn’t happened yet.

Finally, after another year or so, I decided to go to the doctor again about our infertility. And, I got answers. I was diagnosed with anovulation, meaning that I wasn’t ovulating every month. They ran blood work and did ultrasounds to make sure that it was simply from being on the birth control for so long, rather than from polycystic ovaries or anything similar to that. The doctor gave me some medication to take once I got my cycle next. She said that it may not work the first month I tried it–it could take a couple of months, and if it didn’t work after three months, we would regroup and try to figure out what to do.

And so I set my sights on the second or third month for it to work. I never expected for it to work the first month.

I felt the same as I did any other month when it was nearing my estimated date to start. I was just waiting–waiting for that day where I would want to crawl in a hole and wallow in self-pity for not being pregnant.

But it didn’t come. And after a week, and some strange dreams, I finally decided to face my fear and take a pregnancy test.

And it was positive. I could not believe it–seriously could not believe that it was true, and that we were finally pregnant after trying for a couple of years. It just…it couldn’t be true in my mind. It just couldn’t be.

But it was. Three tests later confirmed that it was true. My anxiety skyrocketed because I couldn’t believe that it was true. I just kept saying that this had to be a lie–that the tests all had to be wrong. That I wasn’t really pregnant. That this was just some kind of sick joke, just another way for my hopes to get up and just to have them pulled from right underneath my feet, like so many things that had happened lately.

There was one day I literally could not function because my anxiety was so high. I was bawling. I couldn’t even get ready for work. I was just so scared that something was wrong, and that it was a lie. And so I went to the doctor. She said it was normal to be anxious, but that they would get my blood work done and schedule an ultrasound to confirm that we were pregnant.

My blood work came back with only a Vitamin D deficiency, and now have to take a vitamin once a week for the next few weeks, and then have to take a supplement every day because it was so low. And I anxiously waited for the ultrasound to see our baby, and confirm that this really was happening, and that it wasn’t going to be taken away from me.

Imagine my surprise then, when we learned that we were supposed to have twins. Twins, which we didn’t think ran in either of our families. Twins. But it appeared that we had lost one, approximately the same time I had the day where I couldn’t function because of my anxiety. But there was still one healthy baby there, who was growing right on time and had a heartbeat of 147 beats per minute.

There really was a baby in there. There was absolutely no denying that fact. There was no way that this was being pulled from underneath me right now.

And now, I’m 11 1/2 weeks pregnant. And I am finally happy. I am finally excited. I am finally joyful.

I am finally celebrating my own Mother’s Day, which for the past couple of years I have not wanted to face, where I have wanted to just stay in bed and ignore that it was happening.

Looking back on all of it, I have realized just how perfect God’s timing is, and how terrible my own would have been. It makes me so very thankful that God’s plan is always better than my own.

Had things gone the way that I wanted them to, we would have had this child while we were in a small apartment, and we wouldn’t have been able to save enough money for a down payment for a house. There’s no telling how terrible, or good, things would have been if things happened in my timing.

But things happen in God’s timing and His way. And now, we have a huge house to grow in and an even bigger backyard to play in and to make our own. We both have learned more in our jobs and been given opportunities we never thought possible. We have both grown in our faith in God and in our love for each other.

God’s timing is always perfect. No matter how we want things to happen, God always has a better plan and better timing. It was something that I struggled with the last couple of years while we were trying and I didn’t understand why He hadn’t allowed us to get pregnant yet. But now, it all makes perfect sense. It all fits perfectly in my mind, and I see the picture that God always had intended us to have.

And it brings me to tears–this time, finally, of happiness. This is really finally happening. I don’t have to be anxious–He will not take this baby away from me. This baby will grow up, and will see His love and see His perfect plans. And I cannot wait to see this all happen.

baby reveal

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