It hurts

It hurts. Every month. It hurts. It feels like I’ve been punched in the gut. It feels like I’m a failure. It feels like something’s not right. It feels like I’m doing something wrong.

Every comment, intentional or not, hurts. Takes my breath away. Makes me want to break down in tears. Makes me want to scream.

It’s the fact that I’m not pregnant yet. Hubby and I have been trying for over a year now, and we haven’t had any luck. And I don’t know why. And that bothers me. It bothers me to give it all to God and to trust that He has plans.

I know that God has this all under control, and that He knows why I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. But I want to know why. I want to know why I haven’t had any luck. I want to know why I feel like such a failure. I want to know what I’m doing wrong.

And I want the pain to end. I don’t want to be hurting anymore. I don’t want the unintentional comments of my mother-in-law to hurt anymore. The simple “Oh, that looks so natural!” as I hold a baby doll in my arms. The simple “Oh, it’s so nice to have everyone around this table. Just wait until it’s filled with 5 grandchildren!”

I don’t want to feel pain as I look at my nephew, or at a pregnant woman walking down the street. I want to know what it’s like. I want to know what a baby kicking you feels like. I want to know what is going on.

But I also know that when God does allow me to get pregnant, it’s all going to make sense. The fact that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, the reason why I’ve hurt so much emotionally. It’s going to all make sense.

 

I just wish that it would make sense now.